50 Roads #11 – THE ROAD TO SELF-HONESTY
(Roads #11-17 are letters to myself for what I wanted to find in therapy – they are filled with questions that I invite you to ask yourself)
I think I am going crazy. I don’t know what is true.
So much of what I thought was true has crumbled. So much of what I built the foundation of my life on has disappeared, as if it was only an illusion all along.
I feel like I was just a rainbow. I was never anything real or solid.
And now I am gone. I don’t know where I went. I was here and then I was gone.
What am I?Who am I?
What is true about everything?
I need to know. Please give me the courage and the skills to be radically honest. First with myself and then with life. With others. In all things.
I can not carry on as only an illusion.
Please give me the strength to keep standing when I see what I see. Please give me the grit to not turn away. Give me the endurance to keep looking, to stay with it, to stay with myself. No matter what I see, no matter what I find, no matter how it feels.
Here are my fears, Self…
Will I be able to survive what I see?
Will I be okay with the whole of what is real, but more critically, will I be okay without the stories and the myths and the fantasies and the illusions that dress things up and make them bearable?
Will I be okay once I am stripped bare?
Will I even be able to stop telling my own story long enough to just see what is true? Is it even possible to know what is true or is everything just too muddy and flowing too fast to ever be clear again?
I need my eyes healed so that I can see what is real. I need my ears healed so that I can hear the quietest voices of myself and of Truth. I need my heart healed so that I don’t have other hands pumping their own stories into it to keep it going. I need to be the beat of my own heart. I need my mind healed so that nothing uninvited can seep into the cracks of its brokenness, and nothing necessary can seep out. I need my courage healed so that I can stay with this, and not shrink back to the old myths, stories and fantasies that have clouded everything.
I need the strength to turn away opinions and even perspectives from the outside. I need the courage to ask no one “what do you think?”
I want to hear my own voice.
I want to feel my own heart.
I want to see my own shadows and my own light.
I want to be stripped bare because I need to know where this disease is that’s eating away at me. I want to be stripped bare because I need to know if I am solid underneath all of this.
Raw honesty is a force that not many are equipped to handle. Please give me the skills to handle it. Radical truth is a blaring light so please turn it up slowly. Give me the skills to bear this light.
Lies have destroyed me. The way I have lied to myself. The way others have lied to me. I need to step away so that I can’t even hear others. So that even if they lie to me, I don’t have to lie to myself.
The times I have lied to myself have been so destructive. The times others have lied to me have been so destructive. The ways the lies to myself have made me lie to others. The destroying did not come from things being taken away, it came from things being added. Layers and layers and layers and layers. Too heavy to move forward. The destruction came from adding, not from taking away.
I thought I was destroyed from what got taken, but all along, it was what got added. The only way to not see a light is to cover it with something so thick that the light can’t get through.
It was never about the taking away, it was always about the adding, the covering up.
So let’s start taking it away. I want to be ready for this. Help me be ready for this, for the stripping away that will reveal the truth. Take away the stories, the myths, the fantasies and the outside voices. Take away anything that keeps hiding what’s underneath.
Take away anything at all that’s hiding the truth.
Take away anything at all that is NOT the truth.
I don’t want anything more. More only makes me feel like I have to prove, pretend and protect my bejeweled coverings. I don’t want less, less makes me shrink and hide in fear and shame.
I just want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
And the strength to see it, to accept it, to heal it. Please give me that strength. Help me feel ready, help me bear this light.
So until I know . . . I will just be quiet. I will go away and find it. And I will be quiet until I know what is underneath.
And God, wherever you are. Please be with me.
Help me bear it all.
Thanks for being with me on this road to my psyche, to my heart. The next 6 roads are more roads to those inner sanctums, and then I will start telling you all about what I found on each of those 7 roads to the inside of my mind, heart and soul.
My hope is that if these letters spark questions inside of YOU, that you will also find the courage and resolve to start asking them to yourself, without the need to ask a single other person. Just you and your Truth, coming straight from YOU and your Truthteller.
Tomorrow, we will go to the Road of Self-Remembering. I will see you there.